What is safe to do during sex? What isn’t?
For example, is “vanilla” sex safer than kinky sex?
When we talk about sexual safety, many people immediately think about what is allowed and what is dangerous. But safety in sex is not defined by specific acts alone. Once you’ve made sure that you’re healthily having sex — meaning that you protect yourself and your partner(s) from sexually transmitted infections, violence, and unnecessary pain (yes, use lubricant!) and that you take care of contraception if you don’t want children — the definition of what is “safe” depends largely on your level of self-awareness.
Self-knowledge in sexuality means knowing your own boundaries, needs, and desires, or the lack of some of those. It means being able to recognize what feels good, what doesn’t, and what you are curious about. Most importantly, it means accepting yourself as you are right now and acknowledging your sexuality in a positive, non-judgmental way.
Developing good and positive sexual self-knowledge is not always easy, and it’s rarely quick. Sexuality is a multidimensional system that evolves and takes shape over the course of our entire lives. Our bodies change, our experiences change, our relationships change — and so does our sexuality. That’s why the journey toward self-knowledge is always a work in progress.
Still, one thing is certain: learning to know your own sexuality allows you to enjoy sex more — and helps you let go of shame. Shame often comes from not understanding ourselves, from feeling that our desires are “wrong” or “too much,” or from comparing ourselves to others. Self-knowledge makes it easier to trust yourself and your experiences.
You might now be wondering: where do I even start this journey?
Here are some questions you can use to begin reflecting on your own relationship with sex and sexuality:
How do I see myself?
How do I relate to my body?
What do I like? What/whom am I physically or romantically attracted to? Do I experience physical and/or romantic attraction?
What arouses me? What thoughts or fantasies come up when I think about sexuality?
What does sex mean to me?
What role does it play in my life right now?
How does it feel to think about sex?
How does it feel to talk about sex?
Remember:
Learn to say no. Identify and set your own boundaries.
Protect yourself and protect your partner(s) from sexually transmitted infections, unnecessary pain, and violence (unless consensual and controlled pain is part of the game for you).
Take time to get to know your own body and your preferences.
Don’t force yourself — and don’t force anyone else.
Talk with your partner(s) about your wishes and desires.
Dare to be curious.
